Thursday, April 7, 2011


So I haven't been updating this blog recently, because I have been going through a horrible bout of depression. It all stems from my perception that everyone I love leaves me. Sometimes they leave me because they want to, and sometimes it is forced, but still, everyone seems to leave me.

It all started with my mom dieing in 1999. I know that death is an inevitable part of life, and everyone dies, but I was really close to my mom, but it was even more than that. Before my mom died, we had a pretty close family. I talked to my mom and dad several times a week, sometimes every day. Holidays were always spent together. My mom's favorite holiday was Thanksgiving, and we always had a huge meal, and lots of family time. After mom died, our family just fell apart. I don't ever see anyone in my family anymore. The last time I saw dad was for his 75th birthday two years ago, which I planned. And still didn't get the whole family there. My nephew decided he couldn't go. I talk to dad on the phone, oh ever 2 or 3 months now. He has a new wife, and a new set of kids and grand kids, and it just doesn't seem like we are his family now. So not only did my mom leave me, but my whole family did.

The second person was our first pet, as in slave boy not bow wow. I loved him a lot. He came to the house all the time. When he was in college out of town, he would still come back, and come see us before he even went home. Then he moved here, and we saw him all the time. Well at my boyfriend's birthday party I introduced him to this other guy, and they hit it off. I didn't mind that he found someone he loved, it was more the fact, that in one fell swoop, he was no longer our pet. He didn't say goodbye, or anything, just left our lives. It hurt for a long time. I wasn't sure I could ever accept anyone again.

Then we met Kit. Kit came to live with us, because his step dad found gay porn on his computer, got extremely angry, put him through a brick wall, breaking 6 ribs, put him in the car, drove him to Denver and threw him out. We met him, and he told us his story. My heart went out to him, and the fact that he was living on the street then. We took him to the house, gave him a bed, and food. Sure enough, we both fell in love with him. HE became our second pet. He was our pet until my boyfriend had to leave for a while, when he became a part of our love triangle and was our boyfriend. I love Kit deeply. I care for him more than he will ever be able to even fathom. He went to Virginia on March 1st for a temporary job, that is still going on, and we have no clue when it will be over. I feel abandoned, I know he needed to do this, and I know the job that he is doing is one that he loves a lot, but I still feel abandoned.

And finally is my new pet. HE is a great guy, I love him too. But in the month that Kit went to Virginia, and I really needed some support and comfort, I only got to see him 3 times the whole month. He was busy or sick, and I felt abandoned again. I don't know why.

So through all this, I have become very despondent. No, I am not suicidal, and am not the suicidal type, I just feel like the whole world has abandoned me and went on their merry way, while I sit here missing everyone.

So anyway that is why I haven't updated this blog recently, I don't know when I will get back to posting all the time, maybe sometime soon. I hope you guys will check back from time to time, to see if I am here. I hope when I do return, that I actually get someone to comment on these. I love to hear other peoples ideas on what I am saying. That's all for now

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